Hank!
by francisco barril jr
Summary: Hank is convinced that he is the last super-sayain
1. Chapter 1

Hank heard a noise. Sitting still in his bed, he listened for sounds from the void. Headlights from a passing car briefly illuminated his room, but he was alone - or so he thought. Hank slowly pulled the covers over his head and adjusted his legs to sit in the half-lotus position. He closed his eyes and allowed his mind to settle. He imagined flowers sprouting from his scalp and birds attacking bees, and millions of poisonous spores from an alien flower riding the wind. Then he heard that sound again. Hank pushed the awful thoughts away from his mind and continued to meditate. He imagined bunnies hopping on a grassy knoll, hopping gaily to the summit. There he saw millions of furry creatures gathered at the summit of a grassy hill. A strange light descended upon the animals. His meta-consciousness briefly paused and sought meaning from this event that Hank imagined. Finding none, it allowed his imagination to continue. The light from above shone even brighter making it difficult for Hank to see the animals. A few seconds later the animals slowly returned to his view as the light dimmed. He could see each rabbit perfectly now, and he could feel the presence of every single one, as if each rabbit had a unique and important signature. But then he felt a queasy rumbling in his gut that made him uncomfortable. Hank thought this was strange since meditation usually excludes negative perceptions. Hank called upon his meta-consciousness to provide an answer. While Hank was waiting for the answer Hank heard a loud sucking sound on the imaginary bunny hill. Hank looked at the hill and saw rabbits randomly torn apart and their pieces scattered in all directions, their blood glowing an unnatural hue of pink. Though perturbed, Hank sought control. He willed for this to be undone and for the rabbits to be made whole again. The rate of the slaughter slowed perceptibly and he succeeded in reversing the death of a few rabbits. He even mended the limbs back onto a poor creature and breathed life into it. Blood - This was all Hank could see. But he really wanted more blood, at odds against his actions. His will kept the malevolent force in check and he felt the force gnawing for free reign. As soon as he eliminated the restraints on the unseen force, every single rabbit was shredded in an instant, and the great gush of blood was briefly suspended in the air before it came crashing down on the slick hill-side.

Hank heard his own chaotic heavy breathing and tamed his lungs into regular, precise breaths. He felt the dampness around his head and droplets of sweat sliding down his neck and down his back. Each deep breath returned him to the other world, the world where Hank Dreyfus, the bank manager lives. He could not see the hill anymore but instead saw intricate patterns woven directly in front of him. Hank nodded his head and the blanket cascaded down, revealing his bright room, lit from the fires of sunlight outside. Hank stood up and walked over to the dresser, in order to perform his morning ritual. Hank kneeled down before the dresser that was adorned with candles and small figurines of Vegeta, Goku, and Gohan.

Hank bowed to the idols three times and exclaimed,

"To my forefathers, I honor you with my blood!"

Hank pricked his finger and touched each figurine, smearing each one with his blood.

"Allahu Akbar!" Hank exclaimed zealously, and he bowed to the figurines three times, then touched his forehead, chest, and shoulders while chanting,

"In the name of Goku, Gohan, and Vegeta, amen."

He now felt infused with energy that no amount of coffee could ever substitute. He scarcely remembered how frightened he was the night before, but that didn't matter to him now.

The lock bolted shut, the car door slammed, and Hank was in his car starting the engine. The sound of his car engine reverberated throughout his house until Hank finally drove off. The house became silent. Vegeta slowly turned his head towards Goku, and Goku nodded in acknowledgement.


	2. Chapter 2

Some time passed when the car pulled back into the driveway and Hank got out. As he was unlocking the door, he saw a flicker of light inside the house through the glass of his French door. Cautiously, he slowly turned the doorknob and crept inside. He saw that the lights were coming from his room, so with his back against the wall he snuck towards it.

Then he heard a high-pitched female voice:

"Mo-tto! Mo-tto!"

He peered into the room and sitting on his chair was a man with black hair who was vigorously shaking his right arm.

"Oh dear Moses!" Hank thought.

On the computer screen in front of the man, he saw one of his Japanese-animation porn titles playing on 'Windows media player'.

"Meta-consciousness, what should I do?" asked Hank.

Hank had retreated to the bathroom and was sitting in the half-lotus position in the bathtub.

He suddenly put on a poker face.

"Beep-beep-bo-beep!" emitted quasi-robotic-meta-Hank, "You. should. kick. his. ass!"

"Hai!" responded Hank.

Hank rummaged through the medicine cabinet, then unfolded the pointed-edge of his nail-clippers. Holding the point saber-style, Hank relaxed and allowed himself a moment of calm – the calm before the kamikaze.

"Ganbatte," said meta-Hank.


	3. Chapter 3

"BANZAI!" screamed Hank. He lunged at the back of the man's neck, but the man reflexively blocked Hank's attack and gripped Hank's attacking hand - with his right hand.

"Oh, you're home," said the intruder without turning around.

Hank recoiled in horror at the offending hand.

"Let go! Let go!" pleaded Hank, "No!"

The man released his grip and Hank fell backwards with a loud thud.

The man swiveled around on the chair. Hank thought he looked familiar when he glanced at the fresh-faced black-haired man but then the man stretched out his right hand towards Hank.

"Oh! Let me help you up," said the man apologetically.

"No! Get that away from me!" screamed Hank.

"Shh! Don't yell!" hushed the man as he quickly placed his hand over Hank's mouth.

Terror swept over him as he tried to pull free, away from that awful hand. A small speck scurried across one of the man's fingers.

"Is that … a crab?" thought Hank in horror.

Hank felt his heart racing, his muscles spasm, his diaphragm lurching, his eyes watering, and his lungs burning.

"Be calm!" Meta-Hank implored, "Be fluid like water!"

He saw the louse get closer to his face. Hank shut his eyes and arranged his legs into the half-lotus position and sat erect on the floor, all the while trying to breathe evenly. Hank was now in a calm meditative state, conscious of his surroundings yet indifferent. Just before the louse touched him, the man removed his hand.

"Whew. Thanks for calming down. We haven't met, per-se … I'm Gohan."

"EE-ku! EE-ku!" Hank heard in the background.


	4. Chapter 4

Gohan, in his bright orange gi, stood in front of the Saiyain called 'Hank'.

'What kind of a Saiyain name is 'Hank' anyway?' Gohan thought to himself.

"Hank! Please come back!" said Gohan as he shook the meditating bank manager.

Hank just sat still and 'ohmmed' – ascending into a higher consciousness.

"Wow this is bad," thought Gohan, 'I've got to think of something.'

A few minutes passed and the indecisive Gohan still did not know what to do. Gohan then picked up a marker on Hank's desk and drew whiskers on Hank's expressionless face.

Gohan suddenly felt a rush of doing something that his mother Chi-Chi would surely disapprove of. But since his mother or father wasn't around, he was free to do anything.

"If I draw eyes maybe he will wake up!" Mischievously thought Gohan.

About half an hour had passed and Hank was now a living mural of Gohan's artwork. On his eyelids were pictures of eyes, under the corners of his right eye were teardrops, perfectly centered on his forehead was a swastika, and on his cheek was an erect penis topped with bright red pubic hairs. Gohan then took out his 'Capsule Corporation' iphone knock-off and snapped a photo of the vandalized Hank which he would later upload to his Facebook page.

Gohan then drew a short line from both corners of Hank's mouth.

"Why so serious?" said Gohan in his best Heath Ledger Joker impression.

Gohan could finally relax for once. He usually put in ten hours a day of studying so he could hopefully get accepted to Tokyo University. He spent the next three hours in Hank's house watching re-runs of 'Lost' and 'Prison Break', playing Modern Warfare 2 on the Xbox 360, and watching random videos on Youtube.

Gohan stood up and stretched, then bent his knees slightly, planted his feet, placed his clenched fists on either side of his waist and proceeded to throw punches. After a few minutes of practicing, he walked over to Hank and positioned himself in front of him and practiced punching, his fists halting less than an inch away from Hank's face. On the wall behind Hank was a poster of a blond-haired, blue-eyed Goku, who was grimacing and clenching his fists. Golden-colored light covered Goku – It was a poster of Goku powering up. Gohan felt a pang of remorse for his idleness and his concentration lapsed for an instant. At that instant, he struck Hank in the face and Hank crashed backwards.

"Oh shhhhhit!" exclaimed Gohan.


End file.
